Don't be confused by the name "BFF" because this tangle is NOT about falling in love with your best friend. That would be a cool thing. The BFF tangle is about falling in love with your best friend's lover. That is not cool. It's not something we like to talk about, but it does happen. Here's how:

If you are a BFF you share everything you are, have, want and desire with your friends. There is never any hint of rivalry or resentment, only admiration and empathy. How could it be otherwise, because you and your friends share the same taste in music, food, clothing, movies, hobbies - that's why you have so much fun together. As a BFF you enjoy discovering a new band or blog, and immediately sharing it with your friends so you can enjoy it together. In fact, it really isn't any fun until your friends like it, too. All of this works well when the things you and your friends love can be shared but what happens when your desires converge on an object that cannot be shared? There is one thing that friends cannot share and still remain friends, and that is lovers.
The wicked truth is that BFFs are so used to learning what to like from their friends that they cannot help but learn whom to love from them as well. If you are caught in the BFF tangle, your friend's lover will be incredibly desirable to you simply by being chosen by your friend. Your affection for the lover is more like a reflex response than true love - you have been conditioned to love what your friend loves, and so it feels natural and right.

If you have fallen into this pattern, you will notice that you always "fall in love" with someone who is already a friend's lover. You may have sacrificed friends to pursue lovers and when you finally possess them, you fall out of love as fast as you fell in. Your path to true love - and true friendship - will open up when you recognize that these feelings are a reflection of what your friend feels and do not originate with you.

Celebrity Chefs are masters of temptation, seducing us to fall in love with the things they love, which is okay if you really are a TV Celebrity Chef. But if you are a lover who falls into the Celebrity Chef tangle, you are in for a lot of disappointment. Here's why:

Celebrity Chefs are masters of temptation, seducing us to fall in love with the things they love, which is okay if you really are a TV Celebrity Chef. But if you are a lover who falls into the Celebrity Chef tangle, you are in for a lot of disappointment. Here's why: Celebrity Chefs want us to fall in love with their creations, and when it comes to their lovers they tweak, season, and spice them up like a gourmet creation until they get the admiring response they need. Without that admiration, their feelings for their beloved may waver, maybe even dry up all together. And this can change on a dime. One day they may feel deeply in love for all eternity, and the next day, they may be floundering in doubt -- all because of the way they interpreted a sidelong glance or offhand comment from a friend. Basically they are insecure, neurotic messes. No one is ever sure what mood the Celebrity Chef will be in and whether his pleasure at having his lover admired will morph into a jealous rage over some trifling incident, leaving everyone to wonder what the heck just happened.

If you fall into this tangle, you know that your show of outward confidence is just that, a show. You are sure that no one as wonderful as your lover could really be in love with you, so you tend to sabotage relationships. You might succumb to self-loathing and do the "I'll-dump-you-before-you-dump-me" routine. Or you can turn the loathing outward and accuse your lover of infidelity or your friends of betrayal. You feel isolated and alone and don't believe their protestations. All the fun you had when you were the envy of all you surveyed has turned as sour as curdled milk. The only way you know to get it back is to start all over again with a new lover, maybe even with new friends.

Your path to true love will open up when you begin to believe in your own lovability and gain confidence in your ability to choose lovers wisely. 

Super Heroes thrive on impossible odds. The more dire the situation, the more powerful the opponent, the greater the risk to life and limb, the more determined the Super Hero becomes. No obstacle is too great to prevent the Super Hero from saving the day. And once the day has been saved the Super Hero vanishes to a secret hideout until the next disaster looms. It's as if they don't exist at all unless there is some obstacle to overcome. We can wonder which the Super Hero loves more - doing good or overcoming obstacles; because if doing the good thing were easy, the Hero wouldn't be Super anymore. For the Super Hero lover, conquering obstacles is the name of the game. The more impossible the odds stacked against acquiring a certain lover, the more desirable that lover will become. Maybe the lover is "out of my league" or forbidden by family or looks upon the Hero with disdain - all the better!

A big danger here is that the Super Hero lover will fall in love with people who disdain them. In fact, the disdain may feel like a pre-requisite to love. The more someone pushes them away, the more intense their desire for that person becomes. For the Super Hero, "No" means "Yes." If they are not careful, they can become the annoying lover who won't take no for an answer, or in the extreme, an obsessed stalker. Think of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Not an attractive place to be.

One sure way to know if you have fallen into this pattern is to observe what happens when you have conquered all obstacles and won the heart of your lover. Does the thrill last, or does it fade almost overnight? If it fades, the pursuing of love is far more exciting to you than actually being in love, so you fall out of love almost as soon as you have won the day. If you fall into this tangle, your path to true love will open up when you realize that the degree of difficulty in a relationship is not a reliable measure of true love.

Rock Stars thrive on being center stage. They feel that they deserve to be there, since they are always the most talented, interesting, and desirable person in the room. They seem overdosed with self-confidence and a large helping of charisma, so they believe they possess a quality of being that no one else has but that everyone else wants. Rock Stars allow people into their presence the way kings and queens grant an audience, permitting others to share in their reflected glory.
Real (stereotypical) Rock Stars accumulate things as evidence of their status. Gold records, gold jewelry, expensive cars, mansions equipped with recording studios and bowling alleys and movie theaters - these are the outward signs of the Rock Star's inner worth. In quiet moments, however, the Rock Star wonders what would happen if s/he lost all those outward signs. Would the friends and admirers be lost as well? It's hard for the Rock Star to trust that his friends and lovers love him for him and not for his things. If you fall into this pattern, you will notice that you choose lovers that reflect well on you. Whether beautiful or rich or smart or successful, because they have chosen you, they are the outward sign that proves your inner worth to yourself and others. Like the Rock Star, you are afraid to find out what your friends would think about you if your lover did not represent an ideal of perfection so your lover has to be perfect, no flaws allowed. The unfortunate thing for the Rock Star's lovers is that the Rock Star treats them like just another prized possession. If there is a flaw in the lover, the Rock Star equates it with a flaw in himself, and that is intolerable and way too risky. If all his friends really do love him for his possessions, then the surest way to lose those friends is to have flawed or worthless possessions. Rock Stars don't actually fall in love with someone - they fall in love with someone's perfect looks, wealth, image or reputation. Woe to the lover with a hang nail!

If you are a Rock Star, your path to true love will open up when you recognize that your inner worth cannot be diminished or increased by outward signs and that you must not use others as objects to enhance your reputation. Then you will be able to choose a lover for their inner worth who will lovingly recognize your own. 

Sidekicks have enormous hearts and are incredibly intuitive about what other people need. They live to serve and get real joy out of helping those around them be successful. They don't need the spotlight, but celebrate when the spotlight shines on their friends. Their favorite phrase is, "Please, let me help." More often than not, they will sacrifice their own happiness to make someone else's dreams come true.

Here's the essence of the Sidekick tangle: Sidekicks need to be needed more than they need to be loved. Being needed and making sacrifices may cause suffering, but the suffering lets Sidekicks know that they have done something extraordinary for someone else, and that makes them feel necessary, as if that other person couldn't get on without them.

There is a certain kind of suffering that Sidekicks cannot endure, however. It's the suffering that comes from "tough love." If the sacrifice that is required to help someone is to say no to them in some way (as in, "No, you can't have another drink and the keys to the car," or "No, you can't use my head as a punching bag even though it makes you feel better"), Sidekicks can't bring themselves to do it because it would mean sacrificing their sense of themselves as endlessly giving. And more importantly, they run the risk of severing the dependency that is so essential to them, the sense that they are needed by someone else. In its worst manifestations, the Sidekick is the enabler to an addicted person. If you say no to someone, they might just say, "To heck with you, then. I don't need you anymore," and that's the Sidekick's worst nightmare.

If you fall into this pattern, you will notice that you have had a series of relationships where you gave all that you are and got nothing but suffering in return. Sidekicks have to be very careful that they do not fall into abusive relationships. If you fall into the Sidekick pattern, your path to true love will open up when you learn to recognize the difference between self-sacrifice in a healthy relationship and suffering that is unnecessary and unjust. Choose lovers who will not only accept your sacrifices with a spirit of gratitude, but will offer their own sacrifices in return.

As you might guess from the unglamorous name of this love pattern, Custodians know that real love is hard work. It's often messy and without external rewards. Custodians take pleasure in doing the unglamorous dirty work their lover might not like to do, including mopping the floor, washing the dishes, cleaning closets, and grocery shopping. Custodians are willing to work the night shift anonymously. They know that love is best defined as an action, not a feeling. Custodians offer a disciplined love that is based on commitment, not emotions. They understand that feelings come and go, so they perform acts of love even when they no longer feel "in love." Custodians are secure in themselves, so they don't get jealous of their lover. They don't perform acts of love in order to be praised for being thoughtful, or for choosing the perfect gift, or for being a paragon of virtue. Custodians aren't in the love business for fame or recognition. They don't seek to change their lover to fit their selfish desire of what they think their lover should be like, but rather the Custodian seeks to fulfill the desires of their lover. The Custodian knows that love requires a certain degree of vulnerability, but at the same time, they know when to draw the line. If they find someone who abuses their love without regret, Custodians wish them well and move on.

This is the path to true love and it is realized as commitment, contentment, and abiding joy. Where others seek the drama of conflict, Custodians seek shared pleasure; where others need thrills, Custodians thrill in discovering their beloved's soul; where others grasp desperately to acquire love, Custodians find that, paradoxically, the more they give the more their needs are satisfied. It's the unconventional truth that when we are seeking to possess a lover, love will forever slip through our fingers. But when we seek to give rather than get, to love rather than be loved, we will find the road to true love open up before us.