AN INTERVIEW WITH SUZANNE ROSS
Your first book, The Wicked Truth, was inspired by the musical Wicked. What is it about that show that you feel has relevance to the reality of our daily lives?
Wicked is a blockbuster musical that challenges us to think carefully when we make accusations of evil. There are lots of accusations flying around these days from issues of war to the economic meltdown. Wicked’s message is to tread very carefully when we feel certain that we have caught the devil dead to rights, because there’s a good chance we might actually have an innocent victim by the throat.
What led you to write The Wicked Truth About Love?
I noticed a lot of people are getting tripped up on the way to love and they’re all tripping over the same thing. They have these ideas in their head about what love is, what their perfect someone looks like and acts like and dresses like, and they have no idea that all these ideas didn’t come from the depths of their lonely hearts and have next to nothing to do with what love really is or who might be right for them.
Your books are based on the concept of mimetic theory. Can you briefly explain what that is and how it impacts us?
Mimetic theory is a theory about human desire, so it tells us a lot about love. Mimetic theory challenges the accepted wisdom that our true desires are an organic part of ourselves and reside somewhere deep down in our hearts. The truth is our desires are learned from the world around us, just like everything else we know. We aren’t born desiring silk scarves instead of necklaces made of walrus teeth – we learn which thing to desire from the culture we are born into. In our culture people looking for love get all tripped up because they went to school on Disney and Hollywood. Tall, dark and handsome might make for a good romantic comedy, but it is hardly helpful in real life.
Is there really such a thing as “love at first sight”?
There is certainly attraction at first sight, but we get attracted to one another for lots of reasons, not all of them having to do with, “Is this the person I want to spend my life with?” Attraction can grow into love, but it can just as easily fizzle out or get you trapped in a bad relationship.
How influenced are we by “pop culture” and is that a good or bad thing?
We are influenced by everything we are in contact with – music, media, people, ideas, advertising, sports – you name, it impacts us one way or another. Pop culture has a lot going for it, but when it comes to giving us the truth about love, it is a total disaster. I mean, watch romantic comedies to be entertained, not to learn the truth about desire or how to find love.
You say in your book that, love may be “true” but it’s not perfect. Is it wrong for us to idealize the perfect man/woman to fall in love with?
Perfection is a dangerous thing to wish for. We all do it though – we keep this list in our heads of the qualities of our one true love but there are two problems with that. The first we’ve been talking about – that list came from outside influences so it may not be a great guide for us to be using. And there is absolutely no way that you are going to find a perfect match. Either you will be passing over really good possibilities because they fail in one or two categories, or you will “settle” and try to change the real person to fit your ideal. That’s not love, it’s a remodeling project.
Do opposites really attract?
I always wondered about that until I realized that the question is a gigantic distraction keeping us from seeing something really obvious about human relationships. No matter how alike or different you and your lover might be, you will always be two unique people who will never be fully known to one another. So your lives together will always be full of surprises – which is a good thing. Every time your lover does something that has you smacking your head and muttering, “I didn’t see that coming!” realize that you have a great opportunity to delve deeper into the mystery and wonder that is your lover.
Your book outlines 6 Tangles of Desire, what are the traits of each and how can we determine which one fits our personality?
The book comes with a survey that you can score yourself and find out which tangle you fall into. Most people will fall into one but have a bit of one or two others, too, so it’s fun to see those combinations. Here’s a glimpse of each of the tangles:
BFFs often fall in love with someone their friend is already in love with – that’s taking sharing to a dangerous level.
Celebrity Chefs work overtime to get their friends’ approval of their lover and then when they get it, they can become jealous and suspicious.
The Super Hero tends to fall in love with unattainable people – the greater the chances for rejection, the greater their desire.
Rock Stars fall in love with people who do wonders for their image. But if they find a flaw, it’s out the window – they won’t be caught dead with anything less than perfection.
Sidekicks equate suffering with love, so the more it hurts, the more they think they’ve found the real thing.
Custodians know the wicked truth about love. They don’t fall into the other tangles because they don’t confuse their desires with the desires of others. They know love is a mystery and a Gift and that anything that good is worth working for.
Invite Suzanne
Suzanne is happy to join your book club's discussion of The Wicked Truth About Love via phone. Send an This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or request her attendance at www.readerscircle.org.
